(VIDEO) Bartolo Colon is a Professional Athlete

420-pound, 41-year-old New York Mets starting pitcher Bartolo Colon has a secret to his success: His pregame stretching regiment.

Seems to be working. Fartolo threw 7 1/3 innings of one-run ball Monday night as the Mets beat the Phils 7-1.

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Joel Embiid ‘Wins’ the ‘Bachelorette’

In a shocking turn of events, The Bachelorette star Andi Dorfman chose Philadelphia 76ers rookie Joel Embiid.

That is according to Embiid’s Twitter account.

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Morning Wood: Ta-Ta Tuesday – Playboy Model Bianca Beauchamp Works Out Her 32 FF’s

Happy Ta-Ta Tuesday, Dirty Turbanites. Check out Canadian Playboy, Penthouse and Heavy Rubber (yes, it’s a thing and we read it for the articles, Don’t judge) model Bianca Beauchamp work out her size 32 FF personal flotation devices.

We’re out of breath just watching.

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The Daily Degenerate Fantasy Baseball Picks 7/28

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Happy Monday,  faithful Dirty Turbanites. Another weekend in the books and yours truly is in the middle of a glorious hot streak. I cashed in 2/3rds of the contests I entered this weekend, including a nice top 25 finish in Saturday’s Moonshot. My bankroll is growing and I’m hoping to ride this wave of success all the way to the bank again tonight. I could sit here and be humble and say that I’ve been lucky, but who has time for modesty? I have the Midas Touch and I’m going to ride this momentum until the wheels fall off.

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Want to play with the Dirty Turban crew? Click this link. Here’s the Legendary Lifshitz Squad for today’s DraftKings contests.

SP 1 – Yu Darvish, $11,400: I don’t love any of the pitching options for tonight’s games, but there are a few I like. Darvish vs. the Yankees at home being the best of the bunch. Yu has looked marvelous in Arlington this year dropping a 2.49 ERA, 11.08 K/9, and a 2.35 BB/9. Sure the Yankees have been better of late and Darvish hasn’t been in his best form the last month or so, but he’s still the best bet for a high K number and 6+ innings on today’s board.

SP 2 – Jesse Chavez, $8,000: Chavez gets Houston today as he faces the Astros in back to back starts for the second time this year. In his previous 3 starts against them Chavez is 2-0 with a 3.78 ERA, a 1.38 WHIP, and a K/9 of 9.72. The Astros have the highest K% in baseball this season at 23.6%, and they’ve actually been striking out more the last month whiffing at a 24.5% rate. They also have the 5th lowest wOBA against right-handed pitching, hitting an abysmal .296. All of this should setup well for Chavez, I’m going to predict 9 K’s today and 7 innings of quality work. I’m anticipating a point total in the 20’s from Chavez.

C – Travis d’Arnaud, $2,600: I like d’Arnaud tonight for a couple of reasons mostly based around his cost. His price is under $3,000, he has some pop, and is getting the lion’s share of the playing time behind the dish for the Mets. He faces AJ Burnett today at home and is 1/3 with an RBI against him lifetime. So not a lot of data to draw from. When it comes down to it this a punt play with some upside, which is how I like my catchers.

1B – Paul Goldschmidt, $5,700: It’s not like you ever need to justify fitting Goldy into your lineup, but today sets up very nicely. He faces Homer Bailey for the first time of his career as the D-Backs travel to Great American Ballpark. Bailey is one of the most generous arms in the league when it comes to serving up dongs. EWWW. Any the who, true to his name Bailey is averaging 1.16 homers per 9. So I like Goldy’s chances of going deep. Did someone say Dong of The Night? I just did? Yes I did.

2B – Jordany Valdespin, $3,100: Punt play alert! Jordany has come up huge for me the last two days as a cheap option at 2B/OF. He put up 16 points on Saturday and 12 yesterday, so I’m riding the hot hand until it burns me. Yes this is the same philosophy that got me crabs. Not to worry readers they make a shampoo for it!

3B – Anthony Rendon, $4,500: This is a bit of a gut pick. I like Rendon and he’s been one of the most consistent performers at third base all year. Having put up double digit points in 3 of his last 5 games, I’m seeing the potential against Eovaldi tonight. Between Eovaldi’s July ERA of 6.38 and his home ERA of 4.85 I’m thinking the punishment should continue.

SS – Josh Rutledge, $4,300: Rutledge has been a man possessed since Tulo hit the DL. Scoring in double digits for 4 straight games leading up to last night’s goose egg. He gets Tsuyoshi Wada in Coors tonight, and I think he could be in for a big one. He hasn’t crushed lefties at home thus far, but his .263 average against them at Coors tells me he’s not baffled by him either. Buy the hot bat!

OF 1 – Kevin Kiermaier, $3,900: The Rays get righty Kyle Loshe at home tonight, and there is no one in the Rays lineup who hits righties better than Kiermaier. His .409 average, 3 homers, and wOBA of .488 tell that story. K2 is a great play whenever a righty faces the Rays.

OF 2 – David Peralta, $3,500: Peralta is a .338 hitter against righties and he gets Homer Bailey at Great American tonight. As I mentioned in my Goldy blurb Homer is staying true to his name this year and giving up dongs like a reformed porn star. I like the matchup, I like the hitting environment, and I like the price. I don’t like jelly donuts though. I can’t help it, I just don’t trust things filled with jelly. Sorry Billy Butler!

OF 3 – Jim Adduci, $2,700: Adduci is this week’s diamond in the rough. With a price tag under $3,000 clams and an everyday starting gig what’s not to like? I have a feeling I’m going to be using Adduci as a way to get premier pitchers and hitters into my lineup all week. With efforts of 9 and 15 points on Friday and Saturday the man has shown he’s worth a flier.

As always be sure to check the lineups, give a look at the weather and I toast your team with slightly chilled Manischewitz.

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Contributing Writer: Ralph Lifshitz

@Ralphlifshitzbb
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Dirty South: Meth Head Calls Cops on Self – ‘My Meth is Laced’

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Nothing is as good these days as it was when we were younger.  Heck, even a “value” meal at McDonald’s these days will run you over an eight-spot.  While prices continue to be on the rise, it seems that quality has decreased.  And no one has been hit harder with this than meth heads.

g000258000000000000c13f307163847f26f13677b03fdff7d2f85abd5fThe Setting: Garfield County, Oklahoma.  54-year-old Meth head, Lynette Rae Sampson, felt that she didn’t receive a nice batch of the Heisenberg Blue that she had “ordered” from her dealer, and decided to do something about it.  That something just happened to be calling the police to claim “my ice was laced with something.”  When an officer arrived to “investigate” Sampson told him, “I am glad you came.”

Being ever so eager to get to the bottom of this travesty of justice and procure the quality meth she had ordered, she allegedly showed the officer all of her stash places around her home.  She also told the officer that she was “hearing things” and “sweating profusely.” Lynette, sweetie, we Belles of the south don’t sweat, we glisten…much like your ice.

il_340x270.553914598_pts0Needless to say Lynette didn’t get her Walter White quality junk and was carted off to jail on a methanfelony count of possession. She is looking at up to 10 years if convicted. but is reportedly going to be featured on Season 3 of Orange is the New Black.

We here in the dirty south raise a Mint Julep over ice to you, Lynette.  We, more than anyone, know the frustrations of not getting what you paid for and a drop in a quality product.  We also salute your expectation of pure, American made, illegal drugs to f**k yourself up with.  Next time though, you may not want to be so high and mighty when it comes to your meth and remember times are tough all over.

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Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
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(PHOTO) Jim Irsay is Out of Rehab and Handing $100 Bills

Fresh off his March bust where he had a briefcase full of pharmaceuticals and about 30 grand in cash, Indianapolis Colts pill popping owner Jim Irsay was spotted handing out hundred dollar bills over the weekend.

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You keep being you, Jimmy and throw some of that green this way.

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