(VIDEO) Drunk Rockies Bro Loves ‘Murica, Gets Arrested

You fellas been doing a bit of boozing have ya? Sucking back on grandpa’s old cough medicine.

Kind of feel for the Mile High lush, but our experience says when the boys in blue want you to sit on your jorts down it’s best to comply.

Featured Writer: The Guru


Jose Canseco Attempts Bromancey Make-up with Mark McGwire and Just Ends up Showcasing More of his Crazy


The ’89 Oakland Athletics held a “reunion” of sorts earlier this week to celebrate the 25th anniversary of their World Series win, and, being someone who is stuck in a perpetual loop of his glory days, ol’ Parkway Jose took to Twitter to document the minutiae of his goings on, and spew a lovefest fountain for his former team and teammates.

It seems, however, that one former teammate is still kind of salty over Canseco’s ‘roid use tell-all book, Juiced, and Canseco, needing the limelight of Twitter to function (much like Superman needs Earth’s yellow sun for his strength) chose to broadcast his crazy to former teammate, Mark McGwire, in an attempt to get McGwire to talk to him again:

Of course all of this “please forgive me” pandering falls a little flat when you spell McGwire’s name wrong in your tweets. Big Mac has not spoken to Canseco since this book was released. And who can blame him?  The “book” outed many MLB players for their alleged steroid use in the late 80’s and early 90’s, and this caused a huge s**tstorm for McGwire, who had to endure MLB’s version of the Spanish Inquisition.

McGwire was absent for the anniversary celebration but did videotape a thank you to the Athletics organization and the fans.  He has also made it abundantly clear that he has nothing to say” to Canseco and “won’t ever speak to him again.”

As an Italian woman, I can totally respect McGwire’s dedication and commitment to holding his grudge.  But hey, the last time someone ruined my reputation and thrust me into a sh**storm because they sung like a canary just to make a buck, a home run derby was just the thing we needed to mend fences – like me taking some Louisville-sized swings at her head!

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling

Throwback Thursday: The Curious Case of Dock Ellis


Does LSD and the use of amphetamines excite you? Do you like baseball and colorful characters? If you answered yes to any of those questions then today’s Throwback Thursday subject Dock Ellis is the man for you.

Dock-Ellis561Ellis is best known for being the guy who threw a no-hitter under the influence of LSD (allegedly), but his list of accomplishments doesn’t end there. He was also one of the first players to chase a heckling fan at a minor league game with a bat and one of the first players to admit he was high every game he ever pitched. Dock once claimed that he took 6-12 amphetamines before each start. The number of pills consumed according to Ellis depended on the strength – whether Dock was talking about the pills or the opposing lineup I’m not sure. Ever the trend setter he begin using cocaine in the late 60′s nearly 10 years before the general public found it at discos or on the Mets team plane. Last but not least he’s also the first person to screw up the nickname Doc by spelling it with a K!

tripsburgEllis made the All-Star team in 1971, made two trips to the World Series, winning one with the Pirates, and won AL Comeback player of the year in 1976 while with the New York Yankees. All of these feats pale in comparison to his 1970 no-hitter against the San Diego Padres. The story goes that Ellis went to visit his friend in LA on Thursday and spent the next day dropping tabs and tripping balls. He dropped another tab(s) on Friday afternoon thinking it was still Thursday. He was then reminded by his friend’s girlfriend that it was indeed Friday and that he was scheduled to pitch in a few hours. In what I’m sure was a drug induced state of panic Ellis somehow got to the park an hour and a half before he was scheduled to pitch. The results speak for themselves as he was incredibly wild walking seven batters and hitting one, but also throwing the first drug aided No-No. A feat only matched since by Tim Lincecum…we think. How else could Big Time Timmy Jim have done it?!

8c30e8ca2bb625074bce7634cc177b7cAccording to Ellis’ own account, at times he couldn’t see the plate, catcher, or the batter. He was only able to see the signs thrown by catcher Jerry May due to the reflective tape he wore on his fingers. In addition to his lack of vision due to a head full of acid, Ellis also claims that at times he couldn’t feel the ball, the ball got smaller and larger, that he pitched to Jimi Hendrix (who was taking swings with a guitar, of course!), and the coup de grace, Richard Nixon was the home plate umpire. I’m sure this could explain the high number of walks, Dick Nixon seems like he’d be the type to squeeze the strike zone. No word on whether or not Jimi played the Star Spangled Banner.

Ellis was known as a bit of a story teller and most of the beat writers that covered the game think it’s simply a myth perpetuated by Ellis himself. Either way it’s a great story.

We here at the Dirty Turban raise an eye dropper of the brown stuff to you Dock Ellis. May your use of hallucinogenics, unprofessionalism, and devil may care attitude inspire generations to come!

Contributing Writer: Ralph Lifshitz


The Daily Degenerate Fantasy Baseball Picks 7/24


It’s Thirsty Thursday, my daily degenerates. Someone get me a mojito!  It’s been a successful week thus far as your humble-but-nonetheless-handsome Guru has come out of the cold streak and recouped most of the pre-All Star break losses. I’m one step closer to a winter of fun in the sun, thong watching and one giant mojito. We’re going to need more limes!


What’s up with these split slates, MLB? It’s another day of early games and seven games this evening. While I have a couple roster entries this afternoon, let’s focus on tonight’s games on DraftKings. Want to take on the Dirty Turban Crew in a 20 team 50/50? Hit this link.

Here’s your dirty turbaned Guru’s team for Thursday 7/24. Good luck, cheers.

All values are based on DraftKings pricing.

SP 1 – Corey Kluber, $9,000: Why no love for Kluber today? The last time he faced the Royals he went 8.1 innings of 4-hit ball with 10 K’s. Want to pay up? It’s Max Scherzer, but he’s $$$.

SP 2 – Matt Garza, $7,700: Since the start of June, Garza has an ERA just over 3.00 and has held hitters to a .230 batting average. He gets the K happy Mets today and I’m all in on the Brew Crew.

C – Jonathan Lucroy, $4,500: It’s an ol’ Milwaukee stack today and Lucroy has to be in the middle of it. Yan Gomes is also in play tonight.

1B – Jose Abreu, $5,200: Abreu has crushed rightiesto the tune of 22 homers and a .629 SLG%. He’s been battling a bad back and has yet to homer since the break. That changes tonight as the Cuban Crusher is your Guru’s Dong of the Night. Freddie Freeman is a cheaper option.

2B – Richie Weeks, $3,500: With Scooter Gennett battling a quad injury, Weeks gets the start at a moderate price. Here’s hoping he’s hitting near the top of the Brewers lineup tonight. If you’re looking to spend Brian Dozier looks to be in a good spot.

3B – Aramis Ramirez, $4,400: Stack. Brewers. Win. $$$$.

SS – Jose Ramirez, $2,000: Jose should get the start as Asdrubal Cabrera battles a back injury. $ure, it’s a punt, but Jose did have two hits last night and 10 FPTS.

OF 1 – Ryan Braun, $5,900: Is Braun heating up or back on the juice? Who cares, he has 17 hits over his last 10 games and can inject bull semen directly into his brain stem if it wins me $$$.

OF 2 – Carlos Gomez, $4,800: Cargo-lite has a .384 wOBA at home, is averaging 9+ FPTS over his last five games an closes out our Brewers stack tonight. I’ll be praying to my Cecil Cooper bobblehead the $tack comes through tonight.

OF 3 – Moises Sierra, $2,300: Total up$ide punt play as Sierra is hitting .344 (8/16) with a double, a homer and five RBI against Twins starter Phil Hughes.

Make sure to check the lineups, give a look at the weather and buy me a mojito with your winnings.

Featured Writer: The Guru


(VIDEO) Throwback Thursday: 10 Years Ago Today This Happened!


It was 10 years ago today that Alex Rodriguez and the New York Yankees rolled into Fenway Park thinking they were the Red Sox daddy only to leave with a face full of Jason Varitek’s mitt.

That moment seemed to energize the Sox (who were 9 games out at the time) toward their first World Series championship in 86 years.

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