The Daily Degenerate Fantasy Baseball Picks 7/25


It’s the most wonderful time of the year again. Well, at least for us baseball fans. The trade deadline is rapidly approaching, the division and wild card races are heating up, and over the next few weeks a bounty of prospects should make their way to the bigs. It’s a fun time to be a baseball fan. The only thing that can make all this baseball any better is winning on DraftKings. Over the last couple of days I’ve started to kick things back into gear and gotten my bankroll going in the right direction. I know, it seems like every day you read a statement like this from The Guru or me. But it’s true! We really are everyday players of DFS that live and die by our wins. Thankfully we both cashed in a few contests last night. In fact The Guru just edged me in the Razzball 20 teamer.


If you’re interested in playing with the Dirty Turban crew click here to join a 50/50 put on by yours truly.

Here’s The Legendary Lifshitz DraftKings lineup for the night:

SP 1 – Wade Miley, $8,600: Miley has continued to keep his owners twerking to the bank the last couple of months. Since June 1, the Diamondback lefty hasn’t lost a game throwing up a 73:14 K: BB. Over his four July starts, Miley has been an ace sporting an ERA of 1.88, a K/9 of 9.10, and a BB/9 of 1.57. He gets the Phillies today who are a complete mess.

SP 2 – Alex Wood, $7,700: Let me mention that while I’m suggesting two cheaper options today, I would have no issue if you decided to spend a little more to get King Felix, Lester, or Price into your lineup. All three are consistent performers with little risk. With that said you have to love the matchup for Wood. He gets the Padres at Turner Field tonight in what should be another step in what I’m thinking could be a big second half for the lefty. I’d expect a top 5 night from Wood as he faces off against the worst offense in the majors.

C – Evan Gattis, $4,000: I professed my love for Gattis on Wednesday and he of course got the night off. I’m thinking he’ll be in the lineup tonight and ready to tee off on Jesse Hahn. Dong of the night!

1B – Lucas Duda, $4,000: Duda is 5/10 off Yovani Gallardo with two homers. When you have 10 at bats off a pitcher and your OPS is almost 2.000 I take notice.

2B – Rickie Weeks, $3,500: Rickie has been solid filling in for Scooter Gennett for the last few days. Putting up 7,7,8 and 11 points in his last 4 starts. It sounds like Scooter is still a couple of days away, so Weeks should get the start tonight.

3B – Pedro Alvarez, $4,000: This one is simple. Alvarez is a serious power hitter going into Coors and facing Brett Anderson. What’s not to like? Stack the Bucs.

SS – Josh Rutledge, $3,700: Filling in for Tulo, Rutledge has delivered. As he’s put up double digit point totals three of the last four nights. Rutledge is going to be a solid buy until he has a night that blows up his price tag. I’d expect it to come soon. Could it be tonight?

OF 1 – Andrew McCutchen, $5,800: Here’s a little secret that isn’t a secret at all. I’m stacking Pirates against Anderson tonight. In fact, all three of my outfield picks are Pirates. Obviously, McCuthchen is one of the best hitters in baseball and a trip to Coors only makes him more desirable. Well, desirable if you get boners over home runs. Hey, don’t laugh! It’s a serious condition known as Dong Erectus and it keeps me 500 feet away from Home Run Derbys.

OF 2 – Gregory Polanco, $4,400: After coming out the gate like gangbusters back in June, Polanco has cooled down considerably. After a 27 point night on Tuesday, I’m hoping Polanco is out of his funk and on his way to a big weekend in Denver. If you’re looking to spend a little more I fully endorse Brandon Moss tonight against Jerome Williams. In fact, I endorse all A’s tonight and will have a stack lineup based around it.

OF 3 – Josh Harrison, $3,900: I’m beating a dead horse with the body of a different dead horse at this point, but I like the Pirates at Coors. I’m actually dressed like Jack Sparrow right now. Harrison may be their second best hitter this season and I always like his potential for some steals. Another play in this price range that I considered was Mark Trumbo. He hasn’t homered since returning from the DL but I like him to get off the schnide tonight in Illadelphia.
As always be sure to check the lineups, give a look at the weather and I toast your team with slightly chilled Manischewitz.

Contributing Writer: Ralph Lifshitz


Dirty South: Man Uses 911 Service as Emergency Phone Sex Line


If Chuck D and Flava Flav of Public Enemy taught us anything in the ‘90’s, it’s that 911 is a joke in some parts of these United States.  Regardless of how you feel about it personally, when you need assistance it is the number to call…just not when the assistance you need is with Mr. Happy Sexy Time.

hobbsThe Setting:  Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.  72-year-old Clyde Hobbs was in the mood for some sexy lovin’ time that his wife apparently wanted no parts of.  So, he did what any horned up, old geezer would do…he called 911.

Hobbs allegedly called his area 911 service and made “sexually oriented comments” to the operators.  Harmless, right?  Well, this was not a one-time deal.  Hobbs apparently called 911 17 times that day.  Eventually, police were called and when they arrived at his home Hobbs stated, “Are you here to arrest me again?”

It seems ol’ Hobbsie had been arrested for the same dial a sex stunt before - three times before.  He was reportedly belligerent on his way to jail, probably from the massive blue balls. He was booked on charges of making false reports and bail was set at $34,000.

comics-erection-forlackofabettercomic-doctor-550593So, what have we learned here today kiddies?  1) A horny old man will do just about anything to get a little rub and tug; 2) My stalker only calls me 10 times a day with his sexy talk and he is half this geezer’s age.  What’s up with that? And 3) 911 may be a joke in Compton, but in Oklahoma they have no sense of humor when it comes to old man wieners.

We here in the dirty south raise a Ensure and Viagra infused flavored Mint Julep to you, Mr. Hobbs. It’s good to see that your old man libido has stood the test of time while your judgment did not. Next time, if even your own wife wants nothing to do with your old, wrinkly dinglehopper, chances are, no one else wants anything to do with it either. Just pay for a cheap hooker like any other self-respecting old fart.

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling

#NBASitcoms Breaks Twitter

As most you know I’m not a big fan of the NBA *yawn* and I avoid writing about those prima donna, ball hogging, show boating, floppers at all costs – unless it’s making fun of LeBron. However, when I saw #NBASitcoms trending across the twitterverse Thursday I just had to pass it along.This is exactly why the Internet was invented. Thanks, Al Gore.



Featured Writer: The Guru


(VIDEO) Drunk Rockies Bro Loves ‘Murica, Gets Arrested

You fellas been doing a bit of boozing have ya? Sucking back on grandpa’s old cough medicine.

Kind of feel for the Mile High lush, but our experience says when the boys in blue want you to sit on your jorts down it’s best to comply.

Featured Writer: The Guru